I’m drained today…I’ve been struggling to write my weekly goals this morning (something we do each Monday in a group I manage), and here is it 3 pm and I haven’t come up with anything yet.
That time of the month is coming up, and I can feel myself struggling with emotions. I’m still recovering from the flare-up that sent me to the ER a month ago…while my stomach feels better, it occasionally wakes me up at night from the pain sometimes, and last night was one of those nights.
With a normal Celiac flare-up, there’s a pattern that I’ve learned to recognize, from the first reaction (my fingers swell up) to the next, to the next, I can tell the severity by each step before it gets to the worst parts.
I find myself trying to study this last flare-up because it didn’t follow the pattern. The first step was me, thinking I was imaging how I was feeling (does anyone else do that, tell yourself it’s not that bad and try to push through). The next was exhaustion, absolute, utter exhaustion, usually the last step of a gluten attack, after I recover from the not-the-flu flu-like step.
This time, exhaustion led to feeling icky, not sick, just not good, and then came the pain, my stomach turning in knots, feeling like my intestines were sparring and using my abdominal walls as a punching bag. What felt like bruises inside took weeks to stop hurting every time I’d move. Even now, over a month later, if I turn wrong, or roll over in my sleep, it will wake me up from the sudden pain.
It frustrates me that both the ER doc and GP told me this won’t be the last time this happens. I search even harder for clues because of that. There has to be an answer, a way to recognize what’s happening before it gets to the twisting, knotting stage. Doesn’t there?
I find myself fantasizing sometimes about finding a doctor who will work with me instead of telling me that something is going on, but I need to see a completely different doctor. A doctor who would partner with me to find answers instead of wanting to throw it over to someone else, someone who will walk the fine line between prescribing pills to “fix” me and being a naturopath. Even more, I find myself wanting a doctor who would give me the time I need to answer questions, instead of asking so fast that I trip over my words and the answers come out messed up and not correct. And that frustrates me too, because I am clear spoken and articulate most of the time, and then I lose a word and search for the word and lose a thought and then it takes several breaths (a time span that feels like forever when you know the person listening is impatient), to get the thought back and the words back and continue.
Sorry, I’ve been struggling with exhaustion and pain the last few days and needed to vent.